A Christmas Moirallegiance
by Queen of Jinxing
Summary: This is for my Homestuck secret Santa recipient nepeta-hiss and I really hope she likes it


"Yo, check it.

Played a game named Spurb

Bro, I thought it absurd

But when a playa needa be a

Hero, you know how he swerves.

So with a strife and abjure and a wired ass sprite

He found he got into the game alright.

Land of Heat and Clockwork, LOHAC it be

Found a bunch of crocodiles- killed their economy.

Got some sweet loot, gave it to TZ-

Lord knows she needa be kept happy- but seriously, am I right?"

The Mayor looked to him with big, trusting black eyes as they sat on the edge of the meteor and nodded, holding out a bowl of grub chips or whatever the fuck they had for snacks on this God forsaken rock. Was it just him, or does everything seem to be made out of dead troll babies?

"Nah, jus' checkin'.

Anyway, then some shit went down, like it always do

And before I know it, now I'm rappin' at you.

Man, you my bestie, holdin' out chips an' shit

Always got my back when Shouty's throwin' a fit.

Been almost three years, you know

We gonna be landin' on Earth soon, yo.

But we still gonna be tight, even with John, Jade, and them

Chances of us breaking up sure be slim."

He blinked behind his aviators, sighing a little.

"Alright, I'm outie. Peace."

Setting down the bowl, the Mayor clapped enthusiastically, causing Dave to smirk slightly as he leaned back on one hand, using the other to grab a handful of Rainbow Chips.

And, while we're on the subject, where are all the grubs coming from? Like, in almost three years they've yet to run the river of Questionably 'Edible' Food dry. Which, as before mentioned, consisted of dead alien spawn.

Was there some dirty business going on in the background here? Dirty business that he was completely unaware of?

Does he really want to be aware of it?

Before this train of thought could get too deep and philosophical emotionally wise, the sound of shattering glass broke him out of it.

The little guy literally ate the entire bowl of chips. Awe, so adorable.

Or, that is, almost the entire bowl of chips. A small, shelled hand held out a pile of the questionable food and dumped it carefully into his still full one, causing him to sit fully up to cup it all.

Fuck, he is just the best at all times.

See, this is why the Mayor is his favorite person on this space boulder.

Rose is getting shit faced 24/7, Kanaya tittering behind her like a challenged mother hen.

Terezi's also getting shit faced- but this time on shitty soda with a sneaky murder clown.

Dave didn't even know if he's still on here. The dude disappears and just pops up out of nowhere with that thrice damned horn honking in bitches ears, and then you find Terezi passed out in a vent clutching a Faygo with no sign of him for weeks.

Who even _does _shit like that?

The only person that was relatively fun on here anymore was Karkat- if only because he can draw dicks on walls and such with red ink and watch the nubby alien get unexplainably angry and rant about things that don't even matter.

That's how he learned about his little hate crush on his best human bro and now puts "3 Johnny Cakes" when the troll had especially pissed him off in blue ink next to detailed buckets.

But none of that can even compare to this beautiful black bastard sitting next to him.

"Man, I love you, bro."

The Mayor nodded and scooted over, pushing his shoulder against Dave's side- sneaking off a chip every now and then when the other wasn't looking.

"It should be around Christmas soon." He said, content with the Carapacian picking at his pile of dead babies. "Do trolls even celebrate Christmas? Or Hanukah?" he remembers the John said something about that, the Hanukah thing that is. He said he's half Jewish, but his dad doesn't like to talk about it.

The man has secrets.

Sensing a response was needed, the Mayor shrugged as he gave in and just took the pile back- shoving it in his mouth without second thought.

"I wonder what Jade and John are doing…"

* * *

"Eggnog is the _shit_! N-NANA! I _need _more eggnog!" Jade screeched, hands filled with hard plastic bulbs from the Christmas tree she and John had put up at least a month ago before smashing them on the floor with others of their ilk. It just wasn't a party until there was sharp things on the ground that either of the trashed humans could, and probably would, slip and seriously injure themselves on.

About half of the consorts were naking and glubbing and chattering around John as Davesprite poured pint after pint of what could essentially be liquored up melted icecream down the Heirs throat until it was coming out of his nose and he sputtered and gagged, falling off of the table he was laying on like the useless tool Jade mocked him to be constantly. She was a mean drunk.

Wasn't he lactose intolerant? Davesprite looked at the choking human blankly as this passed through his head. Well, he knows what room he won't be in soon.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was blaring almost indecently loudly, but it wasn't as if the anything else was entirely seemly around here, so it fit right in.

"Right away, Dearie! Hoo, hoo, hoo!"

"Me next!"

They'd been celebrating the birth of our lord and savior Jesus Christ for the last 3 weeks now. There was a menorah at one point, but one of the crocodiles was wearing it stuck to its head with wax like a stupid as shit crown. It's to be believed that the candles were eaten at some point long ago, but Nana (the one who insisted it be put up for a confused John's sake) didn't seem to mind.

As Davesprite poured Eggnog with more liquor in it than it should rightfully have into the mouth of a completely wasted Harley, he couldn't help but briefly wonder how the real Dave was fairing.

John wheezing and clinging to his tail, gasping for some fruitcake, brought him back to this mess and he absently watched the yellow salamanders and red crocodiles slide the pink turtles through the debris by the Christmas tree, thankful that this will be the last year he has to deal with this bullshit. Blue Boy slowly lost his grip on the ghostly appendage, slipping down to the floor with unintelligible mumbling.

What were those weird things doing anyway, though? Trying to knock each other into what might as well be broken glass? Wow, amphibious citizens of personalized planets are a lot more violent than he thought.

At that very moment, Jade rolled over and vomited violently onto her half-comatose ectobrother.

"'Tis the season." Nanasprite hummed happily as she set down pitchers of the cause of all his holiday related problems (had to be specific. He has a lot of other problems that, unfortunately, couldn't be blamed on the dairy treat) within arm's reach of the drunkards should they decide to wake up.

What usually happened in the Egbert household when she was alive to make this seem normal? Shouldn't an old lady like her have a heart attack or stroke or something at all this frivolous debauchery continuously happening and unadulterated underage drinking?

She left back to the kitchen, presumably to make that fruitcake John requested or bring back more jugs of Eggnog.

Merry Christmas, every one. He's absconding the fuck out of here before round 1225 can start and or John begins to face the wrath of the obscene amount of lactose he'd ingested in the last few hours- minutes even.


End file.
